My dad died this past June 23rd. I write this blog today, because the grief from the loss feels so different from when I lost my mom. I cried a lot when my mom died. However; I did not feel like crying when dad died.
A week after daddy died, I texted my friend Teresa, “Years of trying to please him. He would guilt me with scripture backup. I hated when he did that. I can’t cry now. All I feel like doing is screaming and hitting something. I am so angry.” She replied by sending a link from a place called Tantrums, LLC and said “I am investigating this for our patients. Heard about this a few weeks ago. It’s been on the news. It’s a safe place.” Teresa and her husband own a psychiatric clinic. “I’ll go if you go with me”, I replied. “Let’s do this”, she answered.
While Teresa and I were driving to Tantrums, emotions began to flood inside of me. I knew I was going to have to face my thoughts about daddy and the anger that I felt. The minute I stepped into the room I started to cry. The woman at Tantrums gave me a face shield and gloves, so when I’m breaking things nothing can get into my eyes or cut myself.
Breaking Things ~~
The woman asked if I wanted Teresa to come into the room with me and we both said no it was a private moment. When the door closed, I looked at everything. It didn’t make sense to just randomly break things. But I just started thinking about my dad and the whole reason I was there. In a few moments of frustration, I broke a couple of things with the bat that was given to me. There were a lot of glass objects. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around breaking things while thinking of my dad.
I looked at everything in the room and the only way that I could break something was to say, “This is not in order and it has to go”. As I broke some things I stood there and thought, “This is not me I’m not a breaker, I’m a fixer”. As a professional home organizer, my focus is about helping people to become uncluttered in life; putting things into order both internally and externally.
Something within me felt a little stronger, I took a breath and thought, “I’m OK”. That doesn’t mean that everything is all right in the universe, but at least I’m on the road to understanding the anger and grief. I guess I had to just face it. More importantly is the fact that everyone grieves differently. And that’s OK.
Lisa Giesler, Professional Organizer, Speaker, Author of Uncluttered :discovering strength and purpose in the chaos of life.